when i was a young girl:

i used to see my life as being something that i had already done
i was often very worried that i was in fact just reliving things i had already accomplished -
that i was not actually living in the moment but that i was standing at the gates of heaven
telling the story of my life to that dude who guarded the entrance
i was telling it and re watching it
seeing everything i had done
and yet was unable to remember the things that came after my current stage of the story
i though:
i am not a part of this world - i am a memory -
these people im talking about them and knowing them because they meant everything to me.

does that make any sense?

today i see that as being a silly child
who wouldve loved to have read descartes so she would know that
to think these things meant she was in fact living
and existing in the now

i am living you see
breathing in and out everyday
all these things that are happening to me are happening to me for the first time

the way i deal with them
how i accept them are unknown before because
i did not know of them

the love i lose
the love i find is all new
because it is something that i never knew would exist

obviously right?

tomorrow may bring a war
an apocalypse
a new hope
(obi wan?)

anything
well
maybe not anything

((there are some things that cannot change
that we cant take back no matter how hard we try
but those things revolve around death))
anything else?

maybe everything else is game - everything else is possible
?

i wonder

i wonder as i listen to ben lee
and think of all the possibilities before me
all the sadness behind me and i thank every part of everything
for the fact that i get to do this for the first time
that i get to live and walk and read
and love.

i get to be - and being is so good