when i was a young girl:

i used to see my life as being something that i had already done
i was often very worried that i was in fact just reliving things i had already accomplished -
that i was not actually living in the moment but that i was standing at the gates of heaven
telling the story of my life to that dude who guarded the entrance
i was telling it and re watching it
seeing everything i had done
and yet was unable to remember the things that came after my current stage of the story
i though:
i am not a part of this world - i am a memory -
these people im talking about them and knowing them because they meant everything to me.

does that make any sense?

today i see that as being a silly child
who wouldve loved to have read descartes so she would know that
to think these things meant she was in fact living
and existing in the now

i am living you see
breathing in and out everyday
all these things that are happening to me are happening to me for the first time

the way i deal with them
how i accept them are unknown before because
i did not know of them

the love i lose
the love i find is all new
because it is something that i never knew would exist

obviously right?

tomorrow may bring a war
an apocalypse
a new hope
(obi wan?)

anything
well
maybe not anything

((there are some things that cannot change
that we cant take back no matter how hard we try
but those things revolve around death))
anything else?

maybe everything else is game - everything else is possible
?

i wonder

i wonder as i listen to ben lee
and think of all the possibilities before me
all the sadness behind me and i thank every part of everything
for the fact that i get to do this for the first time
that i get to live and walk and read
and love.

i get to be - and being is so good

project -

i wanted to try something new with the computer - i taced over a sketch i did and added color -
she's becoming a star -



oh and ive been having drawing parties with alphonse mucha - duh

i say : Bellingham Update! !

I promised stefanie that i would update - tell the internet all the new and exciting things that have been happening in little ole' bellingham : : so here it is! !

. . .
. . . . .

there have been very few changes here since you all have left
deedee and i go to school
karl does the internet
we all watch lost/battlestar
and sometimes eat desserts and candy.

everything is soggy - leaves are everywhere
all brown . gold . and wet
there are some pretty big puddles
and thea gets rained on when shes in her poop.room

karl finally got paid by clickpop
i draw comics in class because there are no notes to take
((im very bad at art history))

oh!
my good friends have finished their first album and it's amazing!

stress and love are everywhere
were all feeling the effects of the damp . dark bellingham fall
but have love and movies
and tv to get us through!

we won our president of choice and karl hasn't smoked since

my brother has been in rehab since late october - that's interesting i suppose

what else - what else would you like to know internet?

oh i ate carrots while walking to meet a friend at the bus the other day - that was awesome.

x
x

OH!! PS!
i've been having sad missing you pains - when i think about the jimmy. the stef. the david. my tummy gets tight and all i want to do is hug you all so tight - the missing is getting bad i cannot wait for december - i love you all so much.

the simple things :

new presidents

go America!

Off Topic Post -

i wrote something then changed my mind.

x

fun update

deedee is asleep

nick is asleep

karl is asleep

im playing video games - video games are sic!

everyone is drunk
(well not everyone - deedee is just tired!)

tonight was cool.

eating on the streets?!

i believe there is something so wonderful and silly about eating food while walking.

i discovered this a few years ago while at the sasquatch music festival - it was sometime in the afternoon and rocky votolato was about to go on on one of the smaller stages and i had a little pain in my tummy and i thought to myself "i really wanna see rocky but i really want to eat this delicious apple - what am i to do?!" i decided to eat the apple AND watch the show!

crazy, i know

so there i was singing along, standing in a crowd, and eating an apple - it was great - i was doing so many things that i love at once!

so that ignited a love inside my little heart - one i didnt get to go back to until i lived in bellingham because port orchard is too big to walk from one place to another so i had no reason to make a snack and enjoy it while walking from one part of town to the other.

- - -

peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are the best snack to bring along to any occasion - its just two pieces of bread and a yummy center that i can carry in one hand! and so when i want to go somewhere (like work) and dont have enough time to enjoy it at my house i pack it up with me and take as many bites as i can while crossing the street - its truly miraculous!

so if you havent tried eating a sandwich while walking around a town i highly recommend it - or if you dont feel brave enough for that - take an apple - or a box of crackers!

oh and if youre walking with crackers and you run into a friend you can offer them some and thus you are not only making yourself happy but your friend too!

so friends - - todays lesson is::
food on the streets is always a real fun time!

crabtree & evelyn knows what i like!

for the longest time i thought it was normal to spend fifteen dollars on three bars of soap - then i moved away from my house and realized that you could get like one million bars of soap for six dollars.
now - realizing this made me feel a little silly and a little sad because i learned that im pretty ridiculous - spending so much on something that just rubs into my skin and then swims down the drain - BUT - the other day - while i was washing my body with a two dollar bar of soap i thought to myself : :
"this soap it sure does smell nice and feel good - my other soap . . . it smells even nicer and feels even better!"
and that when i decided that i wanted to share with everyone why fancy soap brings me so much joy.

its the softness, the way it bubbles all over my skin - its how the smell lasts until the bar is nothing more than a little sliver that i try to save but accidentally lose down the drain. its how i feel like such an 'adult' everytime i use it - that i spent money on something silly and luxurious and that i get to smell like summer breezes rather than boring old roses.

it reminds me of being seventeen and the importance of smelling nice to attract all the cute boys - its winter time and spring - it reminds me of spending that little extra money on something that made me feel so good.

and its a rocky votolato song.

so in conclusion!!!
i love soap
stupid expensive
soft soft soap.

oh la how lovely this life is.

Blog Change?!

i havent been able to take this blog very seriously because i document my life on another blog on the other side of the internet ((livejournal...))
so i feel like i never have anything new to write about because im just repeating what ive already written someplace else.
SO
ive decided to make this a blog about things i love
and things that break my heart
little things.
like the little things we all think about to ourselves and occasionally share with our closest friends -
and since everyone that reads this is a close close wonderful friend i would like to share those things over this internet with you.
i hope you like it
i hope i like it

enjoy my dears -

This is that - is life?

went home -
spent days in the sun
spent time with a conley
spent time with an amy - and new friends and old ones too.

came home to a karl
a dan a stef a jimmy and a nick
no dave
no deeds
but those other kids
theyre pretty fantastic i suppose - -

watched a movie that made me happy
spent time on the internet
spent time on sim city 2000
((thanks to nick for bringing that back))

talked about friendships
about love
about moving on
and change
and how we all make - decisions
sometimes that others dont understand

learned about hurt
saw love
saw some fights
((a girl punched in the face!))

worked and worked
and
worked some more
my knees ache and feel like theyre going to fall off
walking kills.

dreamed some dreams
said some things
and wrote on this internet paper.

auto draft save.
oh!

i also left a secret in seattle!
put it in a book
walked away
and have felt like a piece of me is newly free.

oh - oh - oh

this song - i had a boy sing it to me - or to a crowd i suppose - but for me.
it was sic.

today

was really really sad.

whats with change?

and growing up
and becoming something new

whats with mistakes
and
experimenting
and
water polo?

what what what is what -

today: :

i didnt eat very much
i got sad
i got happy
i worked
i watched a wonderful movie
with perfect friends

i smoked to make up for not smoking the last two days

i celebrated and felt scared
because
everything is moving much faster than i wanted it too.

i was playing the lion king
maybe karls right maybe it cant be beaten.
even though i swear i did it as a child . . .
its been a long time since then
i proved that to myself today.

music music music music
inside my computer! !

this update was very livejournal - weird.
i tried to write normal!

this is my new roomie

since david is leaving us like a jerk - deedee is moving in! ! !
shes cool
i drew and colored this picture of her today!

NEW COMPUTER

new computer
new computer
new computer
new computer
wooo!!!

now who needs a bloggie
i can video chat
allll night!!!

with everyone!!! ! !

woot wooot woooooot!!!
WWWWWOOOOO!

the internet can provide you with free money?!

its true!
if you have talent - drive and love in your heart you can make money from the internet!
all you have to do is:
work with a friend
draw pictures
put them on the computer
and there you have it!!!

someone will pay you for your ideas and your talents - amazing truely amazing!!!

thats my news of the hour

now for news of the past:
- work is excellent . i dont think ill be losing my job - im getting enough hours and working really hard so i think the fiam will keep me around for a while longer
- big stef is going out into the world soon! jimmy is going out into the world sooon! dave is going out into the world sooon! ill be here in bellingham working on internets with karl.
- i want cookies!
- i need to clean my room
- my car will be towed tomorrow sometime
- im very excited for year two in bellingham

i think this post is complete.
xx

i want i want

to relearn ballet.

thats all for today

oh friendship -

today wasnt much of a day - at least the first half.
i woke up at three ((who does that?!)) - and ate a breakfast and got a coffee then went to work.
work was work was work.
then -
friendship happened!!!
ate a dinner alone and walked up the street to go and party with those i love the most.
-
outdoors on summer nights is the best - pink skies - warm air and quesodillas! ((now i didnt eat one buy stef did and boy did it look like she just had the best time!))
wine was had - beers were had and everyone was happy!
then we walked home ((to the vanilla dome))
and listened to some good ole' Good Grief - and Dick Jaspers -
what a swell time!!

now were sitting around while dave pixels out random things in photos - i love this place.

so even though the only people that read this blog are here in this room now i decided it was a good time to type and you know - capture this moment in words forever
because we all know the internet is forever
diamonds are forever

im gonna try something NEW out

things i learned today:
(what a fun idea!)
- covering photos in pixels is always funny
- fireworks photos are normally pretty awesome
- friends are funny
- work is stressful and people there can really suck
- cunt is the funniest of words
- happiness is what this room is currently filled with
- all i need is friends! they make the world oh so jolly!

now - wasnt that the best of times?!
so - dear readers - i hope you enjoyed this evening as much as i - i love you all and
um
dave loves karls back.
sic.

america, the best place on earth

so most of you who read this blog experienced a forth of july very similar to my own - but for you out there who didnt (stef) im going to share a little of it with you now.



friends, chips, chocolate, beer, friends, bikes, explosions, and friends!

the day began like many others - waking up rolling around - wishing i could sleep forever - you know normal steph stuff.
then i remembered - "TODAY IS THE FORTH OF JULY!!! HOORAY!"
and so i celebrated!
i went over to dan andersons house and ate so many chips covered in so much dip! and i drank a coke.a.cola and just had a fantastic time!
all day was filled with so much fun friendship times - i wish every day could be just as wonderful.
the night ended with dan losing his keys and dave, karl, deedee and i having to walk home - oh - karl was also very drunk and because of that i had to hold his hand most of the way home so he wouldnt wander into the street, or fall over onto sharp thorny bushes and die.
it was fun.

so friends
i say the forth was a success!
i would love to have a day like that again sometime soon.
yay for america
yay for freedom
yay for school!

xx

Lightning Lightning Thunder Clouds!!

Last night there was a thunder storm
complete with lightning and buckets of rain

karl and i took a walk to watch the sky light up all purple, green and blue - it was fun.

i ate a grapefruit
i would like to now share my thoughts on the grapefruit:
its a silly fruit - its shape is like that of an orange - so you would think it would be a sweeter more delightful orange but then when you open it up its tart - like a lemon or lime
BUT
it is not shaped like a lemon or a lime - so its a secret fruit - disguised as something it really isnt - its magic!
magic secret fruit
thats why i love it.

-
today thunder continued to shake the world
for a while.
-
today i worked with pizza
i still smell like it.
-
today i got coffee with friends
it was nice sharing conversation
and a cookie.
-
i miss stef.

xx

ps. maybe i need more friends - oh golly imagine what its gonna be like in a few months when everyday im missing a jimmy a dave and a stef. . . . at least ill have a deeds and a k9000!

Lets whatch anime!!!

yesterday i received a box of anime in the mail.
i havent watched an animated series in years - it feels really good - really nerdy starting this all over again.

the series i bought is called Galaxy Railways - its all about babes and pirates on trains in space!
heres a picture!
((because bloggies are for sharing pictures and such))


i like telling myself that im investing this time so ill have more inspiration for my own comic book story.
yep.
an anime.investment.

i have to work now - i dont wanna!

day two:

"ohh what's with today, today?"

well - today was:
waking up to sun
so warm in my room
making my body sing for water

wandering out into the hall - hearing the shower, knowing my little bladder would have to remain full of liquid until karl decided he was sufficiently clean.

eating another breakfast made by karl, then spending all day conversing with karl about many different things -
such as:
religion, relationships, the future (always), jewelry, family, hair and coffee

then i smoked a cigarette and decided to quit (again i say!) and went to work.
work is eh these days - i became frustrated for a while today when i noticed the new girl was already training to become a host - i want to host . . . why wont they let me tell people where they can and cannot sit?!
oh fiamma.

i brought a pizza home and become very upset by the heat inside that home - too hot for hot food - though dave karl and i ate it anyway.

walked to fred meyer with k9000* - talked about more things - maybe the universe this time, and when we got back we watched a film of images - images like these: http://www.greatbuildings.com/buildings/Casa_Batllo.html

it was wonderful.
jimmy put water up his nose
i have an internet.stalker.creep
i miss stef.

day two was pretty good.
bloggin aint too bad!



*karl

day one :

today i am growing up - im moving past the livejournal and beginning anew!
no - i suppose that is a lie
im really just doing this so everyone who will be far away can know how my days are going.

livejournal steph is one of mystery and angst
blogspot steph is a badass who wants you to know all about her day

so - friends my day today was as fallows:

when i woke up my room was cool and the earth outside was covered in sunshine
i decided that i would like to go out and play a while.

so after eating a wonderful breakfast that the delightful karl fixed - i did just that

i put on a pretty blue dress and walked with karl to boulevard park - there we stood in the bay (me up to my knees - karl to his mid.calves)
and watched the waves come in and out

jimmy called and came out to play with us - he swam in the bay and karl and i talked about the future - and how cool itll be when we all get hover.boards

we all walked back together - its so wonderful spending sunny days outdoors with friends

after rest and food we all went to a show - there we drew our past/future selves and attached it to balloons - we then let them flow into space

i wish we really couldve gone into space!

OH MAN - imagine how cool that wouldve been - if we were able to attach ourselves to balloons and fly up and up all the way into the deep deep universe - it would be quite wonderful me thinks.

- -
this writing about your day thing is difficult - beginning a day is always simple :: i woke up - from there i. . . :: and so on

now how do i decided when you (dear reader) have had enough - battlestar is on maybe nows a good time?

- - -

happy readings and i hope you can enjoy my life as much as i do.
internet love is key!
xx

ps. http://true-believer.livejournal.com/