shit post

life rushes

a few months ago my brother made a baby

her name was isabella

she was born last night

and died shortly after.

even though i never knew her

and haven't met her mother

she was a part of my brother

a part of my extended family and blood.

so many unexpected things

everyday

why can't they all be wonderful?

Seattle seattle seattle :

here has been nice

simple

i still need a job

need one real bad but,

i know it will happen - eventually.

ive been reading a lot

my mind i suppose feels fuller

i miss home

bellingham had its troubles

but goodness

it was quite wonderful.

there is a lot of walking here

bus is expensive and everything is so close

nothing is more thank forty minutes by foot from one another.

there are friends here

but

they all have real jobs

so hanging out isnt what it was in bellingham.

everyone is doing their own thing

and you are expected to do your thing

while they do theirs - and then

you are all expected to meet

maybe

once a month for a drink at a fancy bar.

ive been cooking

and not drinking

its nice really.

still no real internet,

this connection is stolen from a bar on the corner

it works well mostly.

everything is always moving.

(obviously right?)

ive just never been so on my own before

and i miss the little things that pushed me through a day

school

work

friends

those things.

in a few months i know ill be more than content

but right now its hard

nice, interesting, wonderful - but - hard.

oh golly.

life is life is life is -

updike is amazing

chrono trigger is sic.

miss you all

x x

oh hi

i'm a cat.

future goals?!

when things get difficult
just give up and adopt a bunch of cats!

how to successfully survive: :

the last few weeks of class?

how do people remove their personal lives from their school lives?

i haven't been able to figure this out yet

i am so easily distracted by everything else that is in my head the important little things that so often consume me and my thoughts

little bloggy
maybe i'll just visit you more often
get thoughts out over the computer

pizza brings me joy
so does coffee
and the x files

my new favorite thing is sitting in laynes backyard
on her outdoor blankets
drinking the wine in the day time
talking about boys and shit like that
it's really quite wonderful.

this summer i want to go swimming
i want to sit by the ocean
i want to sleep on a lawn
i want to dance with friends
and make jokes while smoking cigarettes and drinking beers
i want hugs
and kisses
and late night conversations over silly videos

i think we can make this happen dudes
don't study just party
shit
i was supposed to make cookies today.

the french -

they really get it
they understand love
life
maybe?
to know that you
would travel into the future
only to go back into the past
to love a woman
who youve never really met
except once or twice
in a park or museum.

oh .
the french.

the other day i remembered that i love
filling a tub full of bath water before
i get in

so often ill sit in the tub while the water rises
rarely do i let the tub fill before i choose to relax inside

the other day i waited and waited
and when i submersed
my body in that steamy tub water
i got it i remembered how wonderful it was
to sit in a tub full of soapy
warm water

remember -
this blog is about love

and god damnit do i love full baths and french people.

jimmy i hope to see you soon.

x

babies are weird!

karl and i made this!

p cool huh?!



oh and
schools done

there was an awesome downpour today
so much rain - there were people running all around
it was wonderful! !

dear friends -

life in bellingham doesn't really change -

it goes as fallows:
wake up (to three alarms)
school
come home to eat food with karl and deedee (when shes home)
back to school
and than various tv shows.

it's really quite simple -

i miss the people that aren't here
and cherish those that are

i hope the world is treating everyone well -
jimmy i hope france is wonderful
dave i hope new york isn't so snowy that you die
stef i hope you made wonderful music while you were away from it all (and i hope to hear what you've created someday soon)

tonight everyone's asleep and i'm playing final fantasy XII
it's really quite nice.

love love
updates are fun!

when i was a young girl:

i used to see my life as being something that i had already done
i was often very worried that i was in fact just reliving things i had already accomplished -
that i was not actually living in the moment but that i was standing at the gates of heaven
telling the story of my life to that dude who guarded the entrance
i was telling it and re watching it
seeing everything i had done
and yet was unable to remember the things that came after my current stage of the story
i though:
i am not a part of this world - i am a memory -
these people im talking about them and knowing them because they meant everything to me.

does that make any sense?

today i see that as being a silly child
who wouldve loved to have read descartes so she would know that
to think these things meant she was in fact living
and existing in the now

i am living you see
breathing in and out everyday
all these things that are happening to me are happening to me for the first time

the way i deal with them
how i accept them are unknown before because
i did not know of them

the love i lose
the love i find is all new
because it is something that i never knew would exist

obviously right?

tomorrow may bring a war
an apocalypse
a new hope
(obi wan?)

anything
well
maybe not anything

((there are some things that cannot change
that we cant take back no matter how hard we try
but those things revolve around death))
anything else?

maybe everything else is game - everything else is possible
?

i wonder

i wonder as i listen to ben lee
and think of all the possibilities before me
all the sadness behind me and i thank every part of everything
for the fact that i get to do this for the first time
that i get to live and walk and read
and love.

i get to be - and being is so good

project -

i wanted to try something new with the computer - i taced over a sketch i did and added color -
she's becoming a star -



oh and ive been having drawing parties with alphonse mucha - duh

i say : Bellingham Update! !

I promised stefanie that i would update - tell the internet all the new and exciting things that have been happening in little ole' bellingham : : so here it is! !

. . .
. . . . .

there have been very few changes here since you all have left
deedee and i go to school
karl does the internet
we all watch lost/battlestar
and sometimes eat desserts and candy.

everything is soggy - leaves are everywhere
all brown . gold . and wet
there are some pretty big puddles
and thea gets rained on when shes in her poop.room

karl finally got paid by clickpop
i draw comics in class because there are no notes to take
((im very bad at art history))

oh!
my good friends have finished their first album and it's amazing!

stress and love are everywhere
were all feeling the effects of the damp . dark bellingham fall
but have love and movies
and tv to get us through!

we won our president of choice and karl hasn't smoked since

my brother has been in rehab since late october - that's interesting i suppose

what else - what else would you like to know internet?

oh i ate carrots while walking to meet a friend at the bus the other day - that was awesome.

x
x

OH!! PS!
i've been having sad missing you pains - when i think about the jimmy. the stef. the david. my tummy gets tight and all i want to do is hug you all so tight - the missing is getting bad i cannot wait for december - i love you all so much.

the simple things :

new presidents

go America!

Off Topic Post -

i wrote something then changed my mind.

x

fun update

deedee is asleep

nick is asleep

karl is asleep

im playing video games - video games are sic!

everyone is drunk
(well not everyone - deedee is just tired!)

tonight was cool.

eating on the streets?!

i believe there is something so wonderful and silly about eating food while walking.

i discovered this a few years ago while at the sasquatch music festival - it was sometime in the afternoon and rocky votolato was about to go on on one of the smaller stages and i had a little pain in my tummy and i thought to myself "i really wanna see rocky but i really want to eat this delicious apple - what am i to do?!" i decided to eat the apple AND watch the show!

crazy, i know

so there i was singing along, standing in a crowd, and eating an apple - it was great - i was doing so many things that i love at once!

so that ignited a love inside my little heart - one i didnt get to go back to until i lived in bellingham because port orchard is too big to walk from one place to another so i had no reason to make a snack and enjoy it while walking from one part of town to the other.

- - -

peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are the best snack to bring along to any occasion - its just two pieces of bread and a yummy center that i can carry in one hand! and so when i want to go somewhere (like work) and dont have enough time to enjoy it at my house i pack it up with me and take as many bites as i can while crossing the street - its truly miraculous!

so if you havent tried eating a sandwich while walking around a town i highly recommend it - or if you dont feel brave enough for that - take an apple - or a box of crackers!

oh and if youre walking with crackers and you run into a friend you can offer them some and thus you are not only making yourself happy but your friend too!

so friends - - todays lesson is::
food on the streets is always a real fun time!

crabtree & evelyn knows what i like!

for the longest time i thought it was normal to spend fifteen dollars on three bars of soap - then i moved away from my house and realized that you could get like one million bars of soap for six dollars.
now - realizing this made me feel a little silly and a little sad because i learned that im pretty ridiculous - spending so much on something that just rubs into my skin and then swims down the drain - BUT - the other day - while i was washing my body with a two dollar bar of soap i thought to myself : :
"this soap it sure does smell nice and feel good - my other soap . . . it smells even nicer and feels even better!"
and that when i decided that i wanted to share with everyone why fancy soap brings me so much joy.

its the softness, the way it bubbles all over my skin - its how the smell lasts until the bar is nothing more than a little sliver that i try to save but accidentally lose down the drain. its how i feel like such an 'adult' everytime i use it - that i spent money on something silly and luxurious and that i get to smell like summer breezes rather than boring old roses.

it reminds me of being seventeen and the importance of smelling nice to attract all the cute boys - its winter time and spring - it reminds me of spending that little extra money on something that made me feel so good.

and its a rocky votolato song.

so in conclusion!!!
i love soap
stupid expensive
soft soft soap.

oh la how lovely this life is.

Blog Change?!

i havent been able to take this blog very seriously because i document my life on another blog on the other side of the internet ((livejournal...))
so i feel like i never have anything new to write about because im just repeating what ive already written someplace else.
SO
ive decided to make this a blog about things i love
and things that break my heart
little things.
like the little things we all think about to ourselves and occasionally share with our closest friends -
and since everyone that reads this is a close close wonderful friend i would like to share those things over this internet with you.
i hope you like it
i hope i like it

enjoy my dears -

This is that - is life?

went home -
spent days in the sun
spent time with a conley
spent time with an amy - and new friends and old ones too.

came home to a karl
a dan a stef a jimmy and a nick
no dave
no deeds
but those other kids
theyre pretty fantastic i suppose - -

watched a movie that made me happy
spent time on the internet
spent time on sim city 2000
((thanks to nick for bringing that back))

talked about friendships
about love
about moving on
and change
and how we all make - decisions
sometimes that others dont understand

learned about hurt
saw love
saw some fights
((a girl punched in the face!))

worked and worked
and
worked some more
my knees ache and feel like theyre going to fall off
walking kills.

dreamed some dreams
said some things
and wrote on this internet paper.

auto draft save.
oh!

i also left a secret in seattle!
put it in a book
walked away
and have felt like a piece of me is newly free.

oh - oh - oh

this song - i had a boy sing it to me - or to a crowd i suppose - but for me.
it was sic.

today

was really really sad.